


juno steel: hcpd cop, absolutely fucking iconic, and also three seconds from being kicked off the force

by Nottodaylogic (MandaloreArtist)



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: ........dang now i want ice cream, Background Minor Character Death, Gen, Joke Fic, Mild Blood, Pre Canon, also canon divergent, bc everyone dies hahahaaaaa looool xD, but juno is legit a good detective he’s too good for them Let Him Have This, i know the hcpd is Notoriously Bad and stuff and prob wouldn’t investigate a murder, reconstituted ice cream, somebody done a murder, somebody done a murder Badly, uuuuuh things that come with a murder investigation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23180461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandaloreArtist/pseuds/Nottodaylogic
Summary: you know that one vine? the “is this the murder weapon” one? the one with so much juno vibes i can’t believe?that’s what inspired this.have fun!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	juno steel: hcpd cop, absolutely fucking iconic, and also three seconds from being kicked off the force

Another wealthy widower had been stabbed in his home.

As far as murder investigations went, this one had been fairly standard. The perp hadn’t been wearing gloves, so their fingerprints were goddamn _everywhere._ Not only _that,_ but they’d used a kitchen knife and although they’d left it at the scene of the crime, the blood had _obviously_ gotten all over their clothes. And really, there were only so many nearby laundromats that both could take care of bloodstains and weren’t actually HCPD plants.

Really, there wasn’t anything to do other than to Rita a quick comms, notify his superiors, and call it a job well done.

So Juno was helping himself to the dead man’s fridge.

“Er, ma’am?” The new officer coughed. “This is a crime scene.”

“Well, is this the murder weapon?” Juno brandished the tub of reconstituted ice cream— _Sandy Trails—_ and rummaged around for a spoon. “It’s not like he’s gonna eat it or anything.”

“But the investigation—”

Juno slammed the fridge door and whirled on the cringing newbie. “The perp left their prints _everywhere,_ whoever-you-are. It was the husband. Besides, this isn’t the goddamn _murder weapon_ , get the hell off my—”

* * *

It wasn’t really a surprise when he got fired.

But hey, at least he’d managed to take the ice cream with him after the yelling stopped.

(And Hijikata had turned just the most _bizarre_ shade of purple, it had _really_ been something, you just really had to be there.)

**Author's Note:**

> yes my “how to solve a murder” source was that one dbh playthrough i watched just before midnight a year ago how could you tell?
> 
> if you have been deprived of one of the absolute best vines (second only to yo-yo man and “when i think about my worries”) here it is https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EHh5YhnfMEg now go and play it on repeat five billion times until all the joy in it has dried up and you are but a husk of what you once were
> 
> on tumblr at nottodaylogic :)


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